I guess I'm breaking my hiatus by writing this. I'm sorry everyone. I never have anyone to turn to in real life when I need support. I'm only able to talk about it here on the internet. I don't want you to respond if doing so hurts you too much. I remember what it was like when my father made me comfort him in his extreme fits of depression, and I don't want others to feel that pain. I am also sorry if I haven't responded to your guys' journals when you go through hard times. It's because I have become incredibly fragile and cannot take on other people's stress, which I guess makes me a hypocrite right now. I am so sorry to worsen your lives through my constant venting, because god knows, the last thing I ever want is to put my own friends in distress and alienate them. But I cannot STAND what's happening to me. I am so sick of it. I'm sick of screaming into pillows and weeping hysterically and ripping out my hair and banging my head on a wall like I did tonight. I'm sick of scratching myself when everyone laughs at me or treats me like shit. I just hate everything about my life right now. I hate having no way to block these absolutely MENACING thoughts that barrage my mind something like 40 times every day. No matter what I do, those fucking thoughts of my own worthlesness and that stupid goddamn series of frozen-animaniacs pictures make my entire body and mind burn inside. No one was meant to live a life of emotional agony and wake up every morning with the belief that the entire world is out to ruin their life and be unable to focus on anything during the day because of those fucking thoughts and have to force themself to sleep at 8 at night because their emotions and those triggering fucking pictures literally dominate their mind and the only way out is to sleep until they wake up the next day and start all over again. My self-destructive tendencies aren't exactly helping either. I can't believe I'm this helpless, but I literally looked up those frozen pictures tonight. I have no idea what makes me do it! It's like I'm a different person when it happens, and some bizarre part of me is trying to ruin my life even more, and every time I see those pictures they become twice as deeply embedded in my mind as they were before.I find myself wishing that theur creator would just delete them all or something, even though that goes against all my principles. I read the fucking description that talks about yakko showing off his fucking powers to his siblings, and talks about how much he fucking loves having those special abilities. It said "he doesn't know how he got them, but he loves them. He loves having them, and showing the fruits of them to his siblings." HE FUCKING LOVES HAVING THEM. HE LOVES HAVING THOSE ABILITIES JUST LIKE I WOULD, BUT I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO EXPERIENCE THE FEELING OF HAVING VALUE. HE LOVES BEING INHERENTLY BETTER THAN HIS SIBLINGS, JUST LIKE EVERY FUCKING PERSON I KNOW LOVES BEING A BETTER HUMAN BEING THAN ME AND HAVING A BETTER LIFE THAN I WILL EVER HAVE. I can't get this horrifying image out of my head: this image of yakko enjoying his special abilities while Wakko tries desperately to create ice or something, but can't, and he becomes heartbroken all of a sudden as he realizes that he CAN'T FUCKING DO IT and that he's not special like his brother. And then of course, I immediately put myself in that situation and feel every bit of heartbreak along with him. Except that I experience it forty times every single day of my life. It's POISONING me. I'm having vivid nightmares about twice as often as I did before. I am gagging just thinking about this. I wish I were dead, but I'll never have the guts to make it happen because part of my OCD involves being terrified of some kind of unrealistic religious torment after I die. I don't even believe in god! Yet somehow, this toxic condition I have makes me latch on to the fear of being mercilessly tortured in hell forever that my parents instilled in me when I was young! My parents: a father who emotionally and sexually abused me and then disowned me, and a mother who threatened to disown me and never apologized for it and acts like it never happened. A mother whom I can never ask for comfort and never tell about what's happening to me right now because she stopped giving me emotional support because she can't take it anymore. It just...it just feels like every inch of me is screaming out in pain. I want a better life so badly. But I realized something. My fears of being inferior are not fears. There's truth to them. Just like yakko's siblings can never feel the joy of being special or doing anything amazing or being appreciated or HAVING ANY FUCKING WORTH, I will never feel the joy of being special, or the sense that there is any value in me as a person, or being truly, honestly loved and cared for by my family. It's an inability. They are unable to use stupid fucking made-up ice powers, no matter how hard they try, and will be doomed to watch their brother remind them of their OVERWHELMING FUCKING INFERIORITY EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. They were made inferior to others. And I will ALWAYS be UNABLE to live a happy life, free of mental disorders, no matter how hard I try. No matter what, there is NOTHING I can do to free myself. It's a fucking INABILITY. And people I know in real life have been GIFTED with the ABILITY to live good lives and not be hindered by the kind of mental problems I deal with. I was made inferior to others. If some higher being made me, they decided it would be amazing to turn me into a piece of worthless human slime that would be FORCED to watch EVERYONE ELSE grow to become BETTER than me and live more fulfilling lives than me and have more talent than me and have loving families and LAUGH AT ME AND MAKE FUN OF ME FOR FUN, AS THEY ALWAYS DO. To me, my worth as a human being is fucking non-existent. I mean, holy shit, what the hell do I have to offer that others don't? WHAT THE FUCK CAN I DO THAT OTHERS CAN'T? Looking back on it now, it just becomes more obvious every day why my father fucking killed my happiness for good and left me, and why my old theatre teacher convinced me I was special and then gave all her attention and all the leading roles to others with GOOD FUCKING LIVES WHO HAVE THE ABILITY TO BE HAPPY. God damnit, I felt like no one loved me in her overblown theatre program that convinces people that their worth hinges on the size and number of roles they get and that if they don't get one, they might as well slit their fucking throats for the entertainment of others because they have the INABILITY to be more than worthless. And when I did finally get one decent role, everyone told me, "Wow, I had no idea you could sing or act!" That proves it! That proves that eveyone knew I was just worthless, meaningless, INCAPABLE shit. And now I'm an eighteen year old BRAT OF A CHILD who has gone insane and can't look at a bunch of frozen fanart or even the stupid merchandise in stores because it instantly sends me into a fit of uncontrollable weeping and hysterics and hatred for myself over my INABILITY to do ANYTHING special. And how the hell can I talk to a professional about this? I mean, what do I tell them? That my brain has made a connection between a children's film and my unresolved trauma that turns me into a twitching, roaring mess when the thought of it crosses my mind, and that I have an unexplainable urge to look up fucking fanart that triggers those kinds of reactions? My head hurts. It hurts from all the crying and screaming and wailing and banging it on a wall and tearing out my hair in emotional agony. And my chest hurts because I've been hyperventilating when I experience episodes of anxiety due to my self hatred. Finally realizing that I have INABILITIES compared to others and that I will never be free of my OCD is sending me over the edge. It's like every single inch of me is on fire, and there is no way out for me. I just want to be free! I want to have the ability to live a happy life and control my own emotions. I wanna stop crying and hold someone and be made to think that I have a shred of worth or an ability to be amazing and not doubt any of it for a second. I wanna be free from my shit, inferior, worthless life! I have to escape this, and I can't, ever! I just wanna be cured, or dead, or something so I can finally be at peace!